After 6 months of TTC I took a pregnancy test just to make sure it was ok for me to drink on holiday and it was positive! It never did feel real. We were on a family holiday so had to tell everyone straight away (I would never get away with a week of not drinking prosecco with my mum and sister and not raise suspicions!) We went through the holiday in a happy bubble and my husband bought me a cushion souvenir so we could remember the special time. It was even my birthday and I did a wish to myself on the candles for 'a healthy and happy pregnancy' in a smug 'it'll all be fine, I won't even need this good luck' way. Back to normal after the holiday, I was starting to find it strange I wasn't having many symptoms, I even did a few pregnancy tests as I didn't feel that pregnant. A few days later after sex, I had some spotting and I awoke in the night with some evil cramps. In my heart I knew something wasn't right but I never let my mind accept it. Miscarriage was something that happened to some other people we don't know right? That would never happen to me.
The bleeding carried on and I was still so calm. 'google says a bit of spotting is fine' It got to Saturday night and the bleeding was getting a little worse so I called 111 and they said to come in to A&E to be on the cautious side. I waited alone due to the pandemic. I said to the doctor I felt silly for coming in and it was probably all fine. She said nothing you can do can change the outcome and told me the 1 in 4 statistics and referred us to EPU the next day.
The internal scan showed 'a tiny baby' and sac but the sac was irregular. The lady said she'd never seen this with a good outcome and it was 'a pregnancy of uncertain viability' I think basically they knew it wouldn't end well but weren't allowed to legally say so, so they had to say it in a round about way to prepare for the worst, which was confusing as we couldn't get any direct answers. On the walk back to the car park, after the sunny walk in, it suddenly stated flooding down, it was like it was reflecting our world turning upside down. Come back again same time next week they said.
I wondered if it was because I never would be a good mum, I can't drive and I don't know how to bake and because I dipped in the hot tub on holiday.
A few days after I had more bleeding a bit like a period and thought 'ok this is the miscarriage' went back to the scan the following week and it wasn't. The embryo had developed a heartbeat but it still wasn't measuring to the right size at all. Even the staff seemed shocked as I don't think this is what they expected. I said 'for fucks sake' and the atmosphere was horrible. Another week.
A week later on the next scan, heartbeat still there but fainter. As terrible as it was we were waiting for this to be over. I was pregnant but not pregnant.
Ironically now I had all of the pregnancy symptoms now, retching over the dishwasher and being so tired I couldn't get up off the sofa.
I felt so confused as I couldn't find any stories like this online of being pregnant but waiting for the miscarriage to happen. nurses said it was a missed miscarriage but I had just had a bit of a warning sign with the early bleeding. They said it probably would have been picked up on the 12 week scan otherwise. I just felt like such a freak.
I saw some friends on the Friday night and didn't drink any wine, it didn't feel respectful to and we had a scan the next morning.
At the scan we were told the heartbeat had stopped and even though there wasn't a doubt that this was coming, it was incredibly sad.
I said i'd wait another week for it to happen naturally, what was another week after what felt like an eternity of waiting.
But after I got home I just thought 'I can't go on like this' and booked in for ERPC and prayed nothing happened before then. I'd been reading stories about the physical side of miscarriage online and got really worked up and worried about what it would be like and didn't know what to expect. I wanted to be asleep and it be over.
After a long seven weeks of waiting for my period post ERPC and feeling really hormonal I was starting to feel more myself and pouncing on my husband constantly so I could just be pregnant again. Obviously I was just an unlucky one off and everything would be absolutely fine the next time I thought.
I had one normal period and felt a little more myself. A friend that I suspected was pregnant announced that she was 20 weeks. I found this so hard as I'd started to think maybe i'd got it wrong and she wasn't pregnant as it had been so long. How lovely that everything goes so perfectly for her. In a horrible twist of fate, still reeling from the news of my friend, my period was weird. It was like a spotting instead of full flow and I just felt odd. There was blood on the pregnancy test as I got a positive. I didn't let myself have any hope and just shut down mentally. I prayed to myself 'just don't let it be more than I can handle' I knew it would be another miscarriage but I couldn't take another missed miscarriage and I was also worried about ectopic as I had a few side cramps. It ended up just like the heaviest period for two weeks.
Couple of months again after a few months of feeling very low I started to feel a little normal. Then my sister in a law announces her pregnancy. I know my 'ugly feelings' are normal because of you guys but it's still hard.
I wonder if it will ever be me.
I have to take the plunge and try again with another miscarriage to get to the NHS tests now which I think is disgusting. The doctor agreed to a few simple bloods tests as I am feeling terrible in myself with zero energy and I'm not sure if it depression or something physical like anaemia or a thyroid problem. Going to try and wait a few months to be in a better headspace but part of me says let's just get this next miscarriage over with. Everything feels bleak and dark I feel like hiding away and don't want to come out of lockdown. I don't feel like the happy person I used to be and wake up in the night feeling scared, almost like mild ptsd. I find nights the hardest as I keep my mind busy and distracted all day. Ive muted everyone triggering on Instagram which helps but sometimes something slips through and makes me feel terrible, even just a mum and child together reminding me what I don't have. Then I see your icon pop and it makes me feel not as alone so thank you. Sophie❤️