How do you know when to stop trying? Give up (this is a shit one)? Move on? – not sure which phrase feels right.
It’s coming up for 10 years since we started trying for a baby, that’s a long time. We did have one successful pregnancy during that time and I am beyond grateful for this blessing but this success has been sandwiched between two long and drawn out periods of failure. At first there was the failure to start a family, to make my husband a father and ultimately do what I felt like I was put on this earth to do – to create a life – something which seemed to come so easy to others.
It was far from easy for me; 5 miscarriages, a partial molar pregnancy, cornual ectopic pregnancy, multiple gynae operations, several specialists and (now this is a technical term coming up) a shed-load of drugs in various forms and combinations. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I would not wish recurrent pregnancy loss on anyone. I became a shell of myself and struggled with life.
I was so desperate to be a mum that nothing else really mattered to me.
When we had a successful pregnancy in 2019 I truly thought our problems had all been solved. We knew what was causing the losses and had a treatment plan which worked so after only 5 months we started trying again for another baby. I mean we had waited so long to have 1 that we didn’t want to wait any longer before going again. And this time it would be easy right?
I feel like such a naïve idiot.
We’ve been trying again for over 2 years and we are struggling to make it off the starting blocks. I’ve had another ectopic and 3 chemical pregnancies, despite stronger medications. I don’t know if it is because I have both my time and mind occupied by a toddler now but I’m finding loss easier to deal with this time around. It’s more frustrating than anything else. I’m frustrated at myself, my body mainly. I’m dealing with failure again; failure to give my son a sibling, to complete our family, to do again what I know my body has already done.
It's really hard to love and trust your body when it keeps screwing you over like this.
There are of course more specialists, more tests, more treatment options but how long do you stay on this infertility/loss rollercoaster and at what cost? Do we remortgage to fund further medical input? Is it fair to continue putting this stress on myself and our family?
So we have 3 options: do we keep going, take a break or stop trying?
Keeping going – I have a timeline for this. Another 18 months and then I am tapping out. I’m fed up and I refuse to live in this strange in-between world for much longer. I have to remember that although I desperately want a sibling for my son I also want him to have me present and happy rather than distant and sad.
Taking a break – If only we had all the time in the world hey? This option requires patience which I do not have an abundance of. I’m an all or nothing girl; are we doing this or are we not?!?
Stopping – Is it worth spending the next 18 months trying or should we just stop now? I’m so fed up with it but I just can’t bring myself to move on because I keep wondering if next month could be the one. Have we tried everything we can? What if…
We have spoken about adoption and this is definitely something we will explore (again) if and when we stop trying to conceive but it has to be final and once again (we’ve been here once before and it almost broke me) I am not quite ready to fully close the door on it.
We are waiting for some test results and have some appointments coming up over the next week, which I guess is why this is all so present in my mind at the moment. In my head I keep thinking that these results will make things clearer and provide us with answers but realistically it probably won’t.No doubt I will have more questions than clarity.
I wish I could be someone who was able to ‘see how it goes’. You know those people who stop trying but aren’t being careful? No such luck here – I need to be taking the meds prior to conception to have any chance of a pregnancy sticking so it really has to be a conscious and certain decision of ‘are we trying for a baby’ or ‘are we stopping TTC’.
Urgh… it’s such a difficult decision to make and all the time I can’t bring myself to make it I guess that mean I still want to keep trying, so for now we shall.
Big hugs to anyone else who is dealing with this right now