The phrase that every bereaved parent hears: everything happens for a reason. I'd honestly like to have a word with whoever came up with that phrase. Going through a second trimester loss with our son in December 2020 and now a chemical pregnancy in July of 2021, I really want to know what this reason is.
Sure, we know the biological reason behind the loss of our son. It was due to PPROM and eventually cord prolapse, which led to the diagnosis of incompetent cervix. Hopefully, the reason for our second loss was just a genetic fluke and maybe nothing to cause concern. But what is the universal reason as to why this happened to my husband and I? Why do we, like so many other bereaved parents, have to go through this terrible journey that is pregnancy and infant loss?
People can celebrate their children when they are here, but why is it taboo for us to celebrate the children we never met?
As we go through this journey, we have learned that we are not alone, even though it feels like we are every single day. Our son Austin and our other child, whatever they would have been, will always be celebrated in our lives. We will always think about them during the holidays, on their due dates, on the days we found out I was pregnant.
I relive the day we had to say goodbye to our two children. Seeing the umbilical cord hanging out, seeing that last ultrasound before we went through the D&C procedure with Austin, and finding out the results of the HCG levels with our second, which again prepared us for the worst. That sinking feeling of despair and disappointment that we felt on 12/29/20 and 7/12/21 still follows us every single day.
Yes, we will keep trying until we have a baby earth side, but we know from this day forward that pregnancy will not be a breeze. We will never know what it is like to not wonder if something will go wrong because we know that there is a higher chance of something going wrong. We will never be able to be genuinely excited to announce a pregnancy like we were the first time because we are going to be scared out of our wits.
I know I was disappointed when I got my period back after my second loss and I saw three pregnancy announcements the same day! I know I could be happy for my two best friends who are currently pregnant, but be incredibly angry at myself because I will know what it's like to not be a part of a group where you never lose your child. We never thought we would be going through this, but somehow, we are doing it together.
If there's anything I've learned in this experience, it's that everyone in this gang is pretty damn supportive.
Maybe that is the reason why this has happened. Our story will continue, and hopefully one day, we will have a child here with us and they will ALWAYS know about their two siblings. They will always be remembered!
Jennifer Mathes x