Sex when trying to conceive - It just ain't sexy

5 mins
Read Time
April 7, 2021

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things, and the bad things that may be…

I’m sure this isn’t the first time a blog on ‘the act of reproduction has started with these lyrics, but the last line particularly is quite appropriate here.

 

For those of you who follow our Instagram page, I’m writing this blog following today’s misconception (Friday 12th March)

 

My plan is to start with the post and seamlessly expand into a well-rounded article…. Bear with.  

I want to address the fact that sex can become the UNSEXIEST thing when you're TTC (trying to conceive)

 

Don't get me wrong, back when we naively thought that bringing home a baby would be easy, we were all about flinging our knickers off with wild abandon & bedding down for some rumpy-pumpy, there were probably even phrases like 'i'm going to put a baby inyou tonight' thrown around with general hilarity and blissful ignorance.

 

We see posts on Facebook all the time declaring quick conceptions with jovial comments like 'Steve was hoping it would take a little longer... LOL'

 

LOL KAREN, LO FUCKING L.

 

The cold hard (heh heh) fact is that maintaining a lusty sex life whilst trying to conceive is challenging at best, impossible at worst and often somewhere in the middle.

 

We've all been there, you've had an argument, in many ways, you can't stand the sight of your other half....But.... you're also in your fertile window so...... it's game on.

 

Or you've done it every day for 4days.... but you know that you need to cover your bases.... you're tired, he's tired... the thought of getting jazzy together makes you feel like crying....

 

Or you find yourself saying to your partner over breakfast ‘just to give you a heads up, we HAVE to have sex tonight’

 

Certainly, after the fertile window passes, we can think to ourselves ‘Thank goodness that’s over’ and often we find ourselves actively discouraging sexual intimacy in the weeks that follow.

These are just a few examples, and I’ve written them to be relatable and tongue in cheek, but the fact is, it’s not funny. It’s exhausting and it’s sad and the last thing it feels like is the coming together of two people who love each other to create a baby.

 

We are left feeling ‘it shouldn’t belike this’ sex is supposed to feel natural and beautiful and amazing. Not forced, clinical and scheduled. Another bloody thing that these bastard topics of miscarriage and infertility have stolen from us. It’s not fair.

 

It can also be incredibly traumatic returning to sex after loss. The pleasure/grief combo can be a total mind f*ck... Jessica Zucker (@ihadamiscarriage) speaks about this both during our podcast with her (link at top of blog post) and again in our IG Live on our grid (11th March 2021) AND in her new book ‘I had a miscarriage’  

 

We have heard from women who have sobbed uncontrollably during sex after loss. The emotional pain of sharing this area of your body after experiencing such total and engulfing trauma can be extremely difficult to navigate.

 

We’ve heard from women who can’t face intimacy for months following miscarriage, terrified of what making love will feel like after the loss of their baby.

The bottom line is, if you’re feeling conflicted in your emotions towards sex when you are trying to conceive or after suffering baby loss, you are very, very far from being alone.

 

So, what can you do?

 

Of course, we can’t escape the fact that if you are trying to conceive, there are only a handful of days percycle when conception is possible. This is beyond anyone’s control, but wha tyou absolutely can do is introduce things to help, here are a few thingsto think about implementing every month.

 

  1. Phones down

What we found helped was putting our phones away for the evening – how often do you find yourself sat next to your other half, both scrolling? When my husband andI put away our phones we talk to each other… it’s so easy in today’s society to completely disconnect from your partner, take the time to reconnect.

 

  1. One calendar, One couple

Asa woman, you know your cycle – you know when ovulation is on the way… but it’s not solely your responsibility to hop on the good foot and get the bad thing done. Have a shared calendar somewhere & put your ovulation dates in, or update them – keep the evenings around that time free, alert your other half to what you’re doing. Remember this is not all on you.

 

  1. Date night

We know that things are tricky at the moment & it’s not as simple as going down the local pub once a week – but even getting in a favourite meal, opening a bottle of wine & lighting a candle can be enough to make an evening special.Talk about date night & plan it properly so neither of you forget it.

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Bex Gunn & Laura Buckingham

The Worst Girl Gang Ever