Those words don’t quite capture the true nature of what I’ve been through. What I’m going through.
Those words make it sound like it’s a one off event. A one day thing. A one time feeling.
And in all honesty that’s what I believed before.
Oh, the blissful ignorance of before.
I miss ‘before’ me.
In fact, it’s not a one off event. A one time feeling. It’s my life. I’m living and breathing this every single day. 179 days of living and breathing it, and even before then I had weeks of unknown.
When you have a normal pregnancy, you enter into a long corridor, you walk down it, and go out the exit and someone gives you a baby at the end.
When you have a miscarriage, you enter down the same corridor, but as you’re walking along, a tiger jumps out, out of nowhere and savages you. You then run out of the same door you entered. With no baby.
The next time you open that door to the corridor, you tip toe apprehensively because of the memories of that tiger savaging you. Is the tiger still there? Is it going to jump out at any second? Entering through that corridor now will forever be skewed by the memory of that tiger.
My friend shared this with me. It’s so accurate.
I’ve not got as far as that last bit yet
But for me, I feel like that the tiger has not left me. He’s sat next to me as I work, he walks behind me when I go for a walk, he watches me when I play with my son. And sometimes he even tries to scare me.
It can be pretty hard navigating each day with my new friend.
Some days he feels further away, and some days it feels like he’s literally sat on top of me.
So how does it get better?
Well, for me, talking to people who’ve lived it, who are living it, is my biggest source of support. They just get it.
Finding those small moments of happiness in each day, for me it’s usually when my little one is laughing at something, or doing something silly. For those few seconds, I can just be consumed by him instead.
But for the most part, I’m not sure it does get better. That pregnancy was wanted. That baby was wanted.
And so that’s what I yearn for. Everyone is different, but that’s the light at the end of my tunnel.
To be pregnant again.
And not to be savaged by a tiger.
Sam took part in the Pathway To Recovery - one of the TWGGE online courses - where she was able to connect with others who 'get it'. The courses are designed to support, nurture and empower you following the loss of your baby and when trying to conceive again following loss. FIND OUT MORE ABOUT OUR ONLINE BABY LOSS COURSES HERE.